Listening Before Deciding: A Reflection on Permission, Presence, and Choice

The Pause

Recently I found myself in a position I have been in many times, stopping myself from a decision because I did not want to do the work.

After closer examination, I realized that it was not at all the work, but rather that I had stopped myself because of fear and a need to protect myself.

This was a very old song. One that has played on my internal radio for many years. In fact, I became really aware of this song when I traveled to New York City in the summer of 2016. I found myself struggling phsyically to move and pausing to consider, why?

Why then have I turned on this oldie ten years later?

Oh man… I think it is time to really sit with what I seem to be putting off or not allowing myself to do.

There have been a couple of decisions lately that I have been sitting in this realm of comfort versus wanting to push the limits and evolve, a process I have mindfully been working on since that summer of 2016.

The Interference

Two decisions needed to be made. One in my arena of work. The other in the area of my health and wellness.

As I looked at each of these, I wondered what the real problem was. Or was I hiding behind the decision with a “safe problem”?

It was indeed a safe problem: time.

“I don’t have time to do this?”

This is a response that I make, and perhaps you do too, when there is something we know we need or want to do but do not want to face.

So, if time wasn’t really the problem, what was?

What is below the surface underneath this that doesn’t want me to find, or rather make, the time to decide and do?

• Emotional attachment to what others may think and say if I do?
• Physical capacity being pushed that may cause discomfort?
• Something else?

Deep questions indeed.

I needed to give these questions space.

The Listening

At first, what came were more of the should have, would have, and could have thoughts that so often show up in our lives.

The familiar trick my brain plays when I allow what others might think to hold more importance than my own self-compassion.

During my quiet meditation, I found myself allowing the belief of what others might think to float by, making space to hear my own voice instead.

What surprised me was that as my thoughts quieted, there was a rising sense of knowing from my belly and my heart. My body was giving me a signal of what was true.

The Decision

The answers were not loud.

Instead, there was a gentle drawing toward action, not in finding time, but in moving toward my calendar and intentionally placing the time where I would take action on what I desired to do.

The Expansion

This led me to another question, and one I will continue sitting with: why does the decision feel harder than the action itself?

I think it comes down to permission.

Permission we believe we need to give ourselves for self-care and personal development.

Reflection Question for the Week Ahead

What would change in our lives if we gave ourselves permission to listen long enough to hear what our heart, spirit, and body are asking for?

Would it lead us to live with more flow and desire?

With these questions in mind, I will be practicing presence and meditating on this.

As a companion to this reflection, on Wednesday’s episode of The Creative Connection Podcast, I will share one of my favorite meditations to support the practice of listening before deciding.

Join me on YouTube/@cyndithomsen/podcasts